Posted by: Monishikha | September 11, 2006

Mirror-Mirror

A chain of thought catalyzed by Trishna’s Blog

Intelligent, artistic, friendly, well behaved, happy….these were the masks that I wore for a long time to hide from the world, the insecurities that stemmed from being a fat kid and… the butt of many a fat joke ,at the recieving end of insensitive behaviour by many of my peers who would turn to me for help when they needed notes, and run away shouting “Moti” when I appeared in the playground….the “no boy will ever ask me out” insecurity of my teens and early twenties.


The masks ,however, always came off before my parents, so with a lot of love and common sense , they tried to teach me to accept this, learn from it and look beyond it. They reassured me that I was a good person, praised my other talents and said that people who couldn’t see beyond the weight, weren’t worth worrying about .I didn’t always believe them , because I thought they were naturally biased in my favour…but a consistently good academic record, an artistic bent of mind , a fondness for books, winning a few speaking competitions at school, and supportive parents ensured that my weight was the only thing gnawing at my self esteem….




Some time in college, when I decided to lose the weight, my mother was there walking with me, cooking low cal food for me…as I lost the weight, I gained the beginnings of confidence in my ability to face and overcome a challenge.




When I began to work, I gained and lost weight
and self esteem with the regularity of a yo-yo. I also formed a romantic attachment or two, partly out of the loneliness of being away from family, partly because I was a young woman(still am;)….and partly in a misguided effort to prove to myself that I was attractive too…All the old familiar masks were on at work, and with most friends/acquaintances…except for three close friends, who told me the same things about myself, as my parents had, all my life.




Eventually, I married a wonderful person, and over many an interesting, honest conversation, heated fight and make up session with him, I finally realized in my heart ,whether the world sees it or not…. Iam a good person, who is ,physically and mentally intact , sometimes witty, often crabby, a “foodie”, an average cook, generally intelligent with good taste in music, creative, mostly judgmental and opinionated but somewhat tolerant too , loyal and choosy about friendships, lazy, egotistical,somewhat tactless,generally honest, a nagging and loving wife ,a good as well as bad offspring and sibling, lucky to have a well adjusted,caring family and friends …. far from perfect, yet at peace ….and yes, I am still obese BUT I no longer cry about it, I laugh at how stupid I was to care about what anyone else said, eat the pastry I want to, then put on my walking shoes and take a LONG walk , because I dont want to keep spending money on tailors and new clothes
😀

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